Wild love: my ex-boyfriend is dating a man now. Why is this bothering me so much?

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I am a woman in my twenties. I broke up with a toxic ex about a year ago, and I’m walking around (my house!) Thinking I’m done with it. I never missed him and rarely thought about him. A Brief History: In the last few months of our life together, we started having more conversations about children and making a lifelong commitment. He told me he wanted both, but at that point his moderate depression got more severe and he refused to get help. I tolerated his cruel behavior because I knew how much he was in pain. It ranged from shivering my spine to berating myself and demanding that I leave the house we shared – my home – citing his need to spend time “alone”. He once asked me to get up and go in the middle of the night and go to a friend’s house! It should be noted that the sex was mediocre at best, which I attributed to being a decade older. My self-esteem suffered. I finally left.

Fast forward to now. I find out he’s dating a man. I can barely cope with the anger I feel about this. I feel like a victim of his shame. We have progressive friends! Her sister went out with women! His parents agree! None of the reasons you list as appropriate for staying in the closet apply to him, Dan! His inability to accept himself has caused me the most serious emotional trauma of my life, and I just feel enraged. I know logically it’s not about me. It’s about him. So why is this bothering me retroactively? Part of me wants to say something to her, but I’m not sure that would make me feel better. I would be very grateful for any advice you might have. I do not know what to think.

– Bitterly enraged and truly distressed

I don’t want to add to your rage, BEARD, but that night he made you go to a friend’s house? This was not the “alone time” he was looking for. Dude was welcoming.

Before I tell you what to do about your rage BEARD, there is something I want to clarify: I don’t think I have the opposite of everything your ex-boyfriend had – conservative friends instead of friends. Progressives, straight sisters instead of bi or heteroflexible sisters, crappy parents instead of accepting parents – are fitting reasons for an adult man in his 30s to stay locked up. When people are young and dependent on their parents, of course having shitty parents and no support from friends or siblings are good reasons to stay locked up in high school and maybe until after school. middle School. But that’s not an excuse to stay locked in your 30s – and it’s definitely not an excuse to use someone in the same way your ex seems to have used you, i.e. as a beard. , BEARD. (Urban dictionary: “The girlfriend or boyfriend of a locked up homosexual, used to cover up his homosexuality.”)

Another thing I want to clarify: there are a lot of guys in their 30s, 40s and 50s and beyond who are good at sex and a lot of guys in their 20s who are mediocre at best.

All right, BEARD, you have every right to be angry. You put a lot of time and effort into this relationship and if your ex turns out to be gay, well, that means he’s lying to you and using you and wasting your time. However, he may be bisexual, in which case he may not have been completely honest with you but may not have used you or wasted your time. But gay or bi, your ex treated you very badly and the news that he is dating a man now makes you reevaluate your relationship and his depression, to say nothing of that night he threw you out of your apartment because he needed to “be alone”. . “Rethinking a relationship and thinking, ‘I did what I could and it didn’t work, but at least I tried,’ is different from looking back and knowing, ‘None of this. what I did could not have made a difference and I was sorely used.

I think there are two things you need to do now: decide to never make excuses for someone who treats you cruelly again. We all have our moments, sure, but someone who cannot treat their partners with a minimum of respect and compassion even when they are having a hard time is not functioning well enough to be in a relationship. in the first place. And I think you should write him a letter and really hit it off on him. Tell him you’re angry, tell him why. You may or may not get a response – you may or may not want one – but you will feel better after writing the letter. And who knows? If he responds with a sincere apology, BEARD, you might feel even better.

It’s a man here. A few years ago, I saw a woman for a few months, and then we went our separate ways. NBD. However, I later found out that she was pregnant and still wondered if the child was mine. We haven’t spoken in years but are still friends on FB so I see periodic updates and photos of the kid. These are always just pictures of my ex and his son, and I never see pictures of someone who could be the father. However, this morning I saw a message saying that her son will be seven in May, which would mean he was born in May 2014 and conceived around August 2013. We stopped sleeping together at the end of July 2013, so it’s probably outside the realm of possibility that this could be my child. We haven’t had a tumultuous breakup and she’s independently wealthy and we were in our mid-thirties when we were together and it’s possible that she went down the sperm bank route soon after our breakup. Anyway, do you think I should ask her if the child is mine? I can see how rude that would be, but on the other hand, I kind of want to know. What do you think?

—The kid is not my son (probably)

I don’t think the kid is yours, TKINMSP, but I don’t think the kid is yours either. I mean your ex is definitely the mother of this kid and you might be biologically related to this kid – you could be his biological dad – but at the end of the day this kid is his own, TKINMSP , and he might like or need to know who his biological father is. is a day.

Save a second: If you fucked your ex without protection at the end of July 2013 and she gave birth in early May 2014, TKINMSP, there is a small chance that you are the biological father of that child. Semen may linger in the vaginal canal for a few days before a woman ovulates; some babies arrive a week or two late. I’m not saying it’s likely, TKINMSP; I’m just saying it can’t be ruled out and only your ex knows for sure. So send him a letter. Open up by reassuring her that you have no desire to return to her life or to enter the life of her child, but that you have always asked yourself the question. Then tell him that if you are the biological father and they need your family medical history or if this child wants to meet his biological father someday – and if that biological father is you – you are ready to provide information. medical and / or find themselves once their adult child. If you are the biological father, TKINMSP, which you might not be.

I live in Portland, Oregon, and I am struggling internally to see if I should contact someone. I met a guy in early 2019 for what was supposed to be a one night stand, but it turned into a full year fling. We hung out and hung out but he told me he would never go out with me. In February 2020 there was a snowstorm and he asked me to take a ride. I said yes without realizing that I was picking him up from a girl’s apartment and bringing them both back to his house. He had been with her for a week and told her he knew me from my job. We had never worked together. That night he told me that they weren’t dating and that she was just helping him study and that he never wanted to see me or hear from me again. He blocked me on all social networks. Fast forward to last Sunday. He’s texting me to tell me he wants to pair up. The following Sunday, he texted me asking for pictures. I ask him if he’s seeing anyone else and he tells me it’s none of my business. We cling. Now I feel guilty and don’t know what to do. Her apartment has mysteriously improved. It’s like a girl has stayed there and it’s probably the Snowstorm Girl. I’m not sure if I should contact this girl to tell her what happened. When we first started dating in 2019 he said we were exclusive. A few months later he said he lied about being exclusive and that I should go get tested. It is clearly a role model for him. Should I warn the woman he’s with now? I certainly would have appreciated someone warning me about this guy in 2019.

-Himbo absolutely not good

Someone actually warned you about this guy in 2019, HUNG: the guy himself, this guy – he warned you. He warned you about himself in 2019 and again in 2020 and again in 2021. Lying to you about being exclusive and potentially exposing yourself to various STIs in early 2019 was a warning. Manipulating you to get him and his new girlfriend back to his apartment during a snowstorm in 2020 was a warning. Suddenly asking you to log in in 2021 was a warning, and his defensive reaction when you asked him if he was seeing anyone else (“none of your business”) was another warning. And despite all the warnings this guy gave you over the past three years, HUNG, you got close to this guy again anyway.

Considering who this guy is and the way he treats people, HUNG, I can only imagine that his new girlfriend has received – received and ignored – as many warnings from him and about him as you have. . So, I don’t think you should waste your time contacting the woman he sees now, HUNG, because the chances of her taking your warning seriously after ignoring all the warnings he has probably given her- even seem thin. Block his numbers, stop following him on social media, and damn it, don’t reconnect with that asshole.

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